Doubt

Sophie barely woke up today. She slept for most of the day, and when she did wake, she seemed just barely to be with us. She looked exhausted. She hardly moved or cried. As I watched her lying so still, doubt crept in. For how long was she oxygen deprived before she got here. Is she brain damaged? Could that explain why she is so unstable? What on earth is wrong with this baby? Can I fix it? Who am to think for a second that I can?

I am getting tired. Doubt and dread cloud my heart, at times. I question, why? There are so many things I cannot see and do not know as I work with Sonia and Sophie.

This morning and again in the afternoon, I sat in the NICU and enjoyed some cuddle time with Sonia. She nestled close to me, and her pupils shone like beads of mercury as her eyes scanned my face. I felt her weight, and her warmth in my arms and I sighed. It was a moment, in which all was right. Sickness and disability did not figure. I was holding a baby. I don't want to make it into anything more than that. My feelings for her were warm and tender. In those moments, it was enough to hold her and love her. My mind was still, my heart quiet.